Life Worth Living!

maliciousglamour: Heather by AlexeiElle Italia, November...

Wed, 26 Jan 2011 18:07:52 +0000

Heather by Alexei
Elle Italia, November 2009
Photographer: Alexei Hay
Model: Heather Marks
Christian Dior, Fall 2009 Couture

frejabehaxabbeylee: Bergdorf Goodman’s Fall Catalogue

Wed, 19 Jan 2011 14:33:52 +0000

frejabehaxabbeylee:

Bergdorf Goodman’s Fall Catalogue

cross-stained: Katia Kokoreva photographed by Nico Bustos for...

Wed, 19 Jan 2011 14:33:40 +0000

cross-stained:

Katia Kokoreva photographed by Nico Bustos for Vogue España October 2006

Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you beautiful.<3

Thu, 06 Jan 2011 19:59:38 +0000

And me of you. I loved your vid, hope you can stick to it. Nice bit of procrastination too xxx

Happy New Years Eve! Sending happy thoughts to you :)

Fri, 31 Dec 2010 12:55:30 +0000

And to you, hope you have an amazing night xxx

everytime I see an owl somewhere I think of you. I reblogged a drawing of some owls...didn't know how to post it to you or something. Thinking of you xx

Fri, 31 Dec 2010 12:55:10 +0000

<3 miss you. love the pic.

If you click submit instead of ask then you can post images/messages/stories to me as opposed to questions

xxxx

To the anon who wrote the inspiring thing about the Hannah you knew,
I couldn't have put it better myself! Also I feel the same, post in my ask box if you ever fancy a chat!

Hannah, I have run out of things to say. I have given you everything I have. I have spilled my mind to you in a hope that it would make a difference but it hasn't. I am afraid that I will lose you forever, please dont let that happen.

You say you dont want to be trapped in limbo forever, that you dont want to pretend you're ok all the time. I do not blame you but why chose pain over limbo, death over life? Recovery is possible & dont say that it isn't for you, that you are different to me, because you're not. I was stubborn too, I had nothing left to fight for, I was told I'd die from it. I didn't die though. I moulded a new life, a great life full of passion, excitment, love, honesty, friendship, fun, dreams, hopes and success. Yes some days it is boring, some days I wanna rip every ounce of flesh off my body; some days I want, more than anything, to give up, to die, to relapse, to 'do it properly' but that is only some days. Most days I'm happy, free & excited about the future. Most days my heart could explode from the love I feel for my friends and family. Most days I think to myself 'I like my life and I will succeed.' Most days I am grateful for the opportunity Ellern Mede gave me to turn my life around but more than anything I am so happy that I recovered: I have so much more now then I did before. Anorexia can give you nothing but death and misery. Life, however, can bring you so much... Joy, passion, success! In recovery you will take the first steps to flying. Every day you will touch the sky. Every day you will amaze yourself as you exceed, what you thought were, your limits. The little things will make you happy, the little achievements will make you proud. You will not believe that you're the same person you were before. You CAN get to that place! I will not, for one second, say that it will be easy - it wont. It will be a struggle. It will feel like there is no end. You will return to a life that has left you behind. You will feel forgotten, afraid and alone. Nonetheless, if you are determind, you will work through the pain and eventually you will see the light. Things will get easier as you build a new life as Hannah, not Hannah the anorexic, Hannah the person. And then one day you will stop and look around and you will realise that you are happy. You will not know quite how it happened - it just did whilst you were so busy getting on with life! You will identify with happiness as a real feeling, not the euphoric highs you feel when in the depths of an eating disorder. It will be calm and stable but it will feel good. You will feel safe and comfortable in your own skin. You will become a person again, not a robot.

I LOVE YOU <3

Thu, 30 Dec 2010 20:27:02 +0000

This is one of the most moving, beautiful messages I have ever read. It reminds me (as if I needed to be reminded!) how lucky I am to have you in my life. It means so much that you won’t give up on me because I have given up on myself…

I wish I could make you the promise you want, I wish I could promise to fight, to commit to change through rough and smooth. Emily I can’t do that, not at the moment. I’m reluctantly accepting the necessary weight gain here to “safety”. Beyond that I don’t see a future. But I PROMISE you, that I will never say that that means there is no future. I’m so so sorry, but the best I can offer you is an open-ended plan, no decisions or rules made in advance by Ana. I will not make them before because then you have to go through changing them and the shame. I will always listen. You are inspirational. I think I want what you have, it just seems too hard.

Hannah, I doubt what anyone writes or says to you will make any difference so I wasn't going to bother. But I've decided to write because even if I could remove you just a fraction of a percent from the evil grasp of anorexia then it will have been worthwhile.

The Hannah I knew was full of life, confident, amazing at languages, drama, english. It makes me so angry that anorexia has taken these things away from you. It's evil. It robs you of your life, doesn't want you to get better, hurts your friends and family. That's not you Hannah, that's anorexia. I think it's so important to separate yourself from this evil being. I'm sure you want to get better. Ana doesn't want you to. Fighting her will be the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. She, acting through you will feel angry, scared, full of rage for what those who love you do. She'll have tantrums, throw food, make you feel disgusted, revolted with yourself. That is what Ana does but you must try, no matter how hard it is to remind yourself that that is NOT you. Try and separate what you want and what anorexia wants. You and anorexia are not one and the same. Anorexia will trick you into believing that you can exist with her at your side. Kick her in the fucking face and show her that you don't want her in your life any more. Everyone's rooting for you yet few know how to help you extract yourself from anorexias clutches.

Coming on this blog has made me feel shit. Anorexia is telling me that I didn't achieve a low enough weight, I didn't suffer with her for long enough. That is sick, disgusting. It repulses me that these thoughts enter my head. I could easily go down that path but I've got a life, I love it and I want to carry on living. Existence, torment, and the prison which Ana confines you in don't appeal. You have two choices, to piss anorexia off and try with all your might to break down the bars she has put you in or carry on existing in Ana's mental hell. The latter not really being a choice, for you will be doing what anorexia want's you to do.

A friend of mine died recently. I feel sick when I think of her knowing she should be at Cambridge next year; she so wanted to live. She had incurable cancer. She never had the chance to fight. Anorexia is a cancer, it eats away at your mind and body, destroying the person inside and eventually killing what is left of you. If you had cancer tearing through your body surely you would want to kill it off, yet why don't we want to kill of our cancer.
I'm willing you to fight it. It's down to you, Hannah. Yell at anorexia to shut the fuck up. She's achieved what she wanted, now you can achieve and get your life back.

On a lighter note do you like the blog fatfree vegan kitchen... I'm sure you'll have come across it. I hope I'll see you on the other side x x x

Thu, 30 Dec 2010 14:45:34 +0000

This is really hard to read. Umm who is this?

I’m scared, I know you’re right. I think I do anyway.

I don’t know, what to think, what to say.

Please tell me who you are. Can I guess. Annie? That would make some sense. Hannah? I wonder who the Hannah you knew was?

I need to soak this in. So I’ll go for the lighter note, yeah i love that blog! and VegNews/VegCafé? choosingraw? rainforestgurl? eliottburdett?xxx

Horrible miserable fails

Wed, 29 Dec 2010 11:54:59 +0000

Me and my life that is.

the idea is to blog this and shame myself into not carrying on because of it’s stupidity and...

Tue, 28 Dec 2010 19:52:00 +0000

the idea is to blog this and shame myself into not carrying on because of it’s stupidity and pointlessness and self-defeating nature

After tea - 51 more minutes jogging. And I feel good and reassured by them.

That apparently burnt 244 calories btw

I don't know whether to post this or not

Tue, 28 Dec 2010 17:05:36 +0000

I’m not sure if I want to get better. I hate the idea of being anorexic for the rest of my life but pretending everything’s ok like I was, pretty convincingly, at uni. The idea of being “managing” “functioning” “o-k” but never really happy, normal or free. So the other alternative is to get better.

On the other hand

myfitnesspal.co.uk says today jogging in place for 85 mins burnt 405kcal

I'm soo angry today

Tue, 28 Dec 2010 14:46:42 +0000

I just want to go back home, to real life, back to my friends, back to a healthy diet of fruit and veg and nuts and avocado and whole grains not this shit.

I want to be thin ok? I don’t want to be forced up.

I want to eat safe things, as I want them. I do want food, I would eat at home. When some people go home for the first time, they admit not a morsel of food passes their lips, but I’m not even tempted to starve. No, I want food I just don’t want this much of it! So why can’t they just fuck off!

I’m so angry and bitter and full of hate and rage and passionate disgust. The only reason I am holding it together is because I missed my 2 slices of toast at snack so I know I’ve eaten 250kcal less than yesterday. And I think lunch’s main meal was about 100kcal lighter than yesterday too but I can’t be totally sure…. Still, I bet it’s hefty tomorrow, I have another massive increase tomorrow anyway and then on Thursday morning… weighing…fuck

It's ok to want something that will fuel your body, I promise.

Tue, 28 Dec 2010 12:55:03 +0000

I’m not sure I’m ok with it.

I’m not convinced my body needs this much and it DEFINATELY doesn’t need it in the form it’s being given - white carbs, desserts etc

Fuck it I’m disgusting and weak no more no less. I actually want food. I repulse myself that I...

Mon, 27 Dec 2010 22:05:55 +0000

Fuck it I’m disgusting and weak no more no less. I actually want food. I repulse myself that I am making this choice.

I did it. More calories than my body needs. Even though I gained weight this morning. My own choice...

Mon, 27 Dec 2010 21:44:58 +0000

I did it. More calories than my body needs. Even though I gained weight this morning. My own choice to do it. Could have refused, could have left bits should have. But i scoffed them all down. Gross. I hate myself. What have I become?

I wish I could be more optimistic

Mon, 27 Dec 2010 17:56:13 +0000

But I hate the programme here. The portions are not calorie counted as such it’s based on the eat well plate (3rd carbs, 3rd veg, 3rd protein/main) and calories are estimated. You start on half portions and then after you’ve settled, increase steadily to full portion - ‘normal’ eating. They blame any crazy weight gain on water, the increases go ahead even if your weight shoots up and the plan will only be changed two weights after you’ve ‘normalised’. Well basically by the end of next week I ‘estimate’ I’ll be bring presented with 2500 fucking calories! My weight is going to go mental! Why can’t it be slow? Why do I have to ‘get the increasing over with’ and do massive weight gain which then slows down, why can’t we just try and do a steady pace?????

My baby I'm off to do shit with my day
You are in my every cell
<3

Mon, 27 Dec 2010 13:47:10 +0000

have a good one, I read your blog yest, so if you ever wanna talk about what you said/censored… I’m her sending love and hugs xxxxxxx

Hey, sorry things are sucky but I send my love and best wishes. Know that someone believes in you and even if things suck and seem impossibly hard, you have the support of others like me! Keep your chin up <3

Mon, 27 Dec 2010 11:56:18 +0000

Hey, hope you’re enjoying the Netherlands! xxxx <3

Your head looks too big for your body.

Mon, 27 Dec 2010 11:55:38 +0000

Thank you for being brave enough to say this…. there’s a part of me that thinks I look good and it NEEDS to be corrected

Hello :)
First of all I would like to say thank you for replying on my post, I am sure you know that sometimes just knowing that someone somewhere is there helps so much.
Secondly, before I even saw your comment, I was reading through some of your recent posts. I have to admit, when I saw the photograph of you there was a part of me considering to unfollow you. I guess from fear of being triggered. But I see so much potential in you, from reading about you, and I believe in you. For this reason you'll see that I am carrying on following you because I look forwards to seeing you become the real you, the person who Anorexia took away.

I truly admire your honesty. You know what, Anorexia does turn you into a completely selfish person, it does. I guess as crazy as this comparison sounds..imagine a body builder. They have to spend a crazy number of hours in the gym working out and their whole life is taken over by all these different factors; diet, exercise, sleep, drink, vitamins, minerals, protein powders and the such. It stops being a small and thing and literally becomes a occupation, it is your career. And Anorexia takes that as well, it takes every inch of you, it takes you up mentally and physically and there isn't simply room for anything else. As you recover that full room will start clearing away and spaces will start appearing. Spaces that are scary and may make you want to run away in fear, but should you fight through them, you will learn to fill them with other things. With family and friends, with hobbies and University life, and the best part is, gradually it will all become a normal part of your life and you will start enjoying it.

I believe in you. And you do not know me at all so I don't know if that count for anything, but I will say it any way. I really do believe in you. Sometimes all you need is a little hope, a little faith and some fight. Add in a bit of humour and your on to a winner.

I would love to get to know you more. I hope you are okay.
Love <3

Mon, 27 Dec 2010 11:54:54 +0000

OMG pleeease don’t be triggered by that pic, most of the feedback I’ve had has been negative (see next post). You are sooooo much more beautiful!

I agree totally that Ana is selfish, it’s an addiction, it destroys your identity, body and everyone around you the same way as any drug problem - there’s just no methadone or patches….

I do need to find things, anything, to fill up those terrifying voids. Focussing n starvation or exercise, pain and need and exhaustion are the only ways I have to get through the days…. The only distractions from what’s in my head… not good….

I would love to get to know you better hun, I follow your blog so I have a vague idea but how old are you? Where are you from? How long have you been ill? Ever been in hospital? What do you like doing?

I hope Christmas was good, got any New Years plans? xxx