My diary and photo diary as I try and recover from anorexia which has ruined the last 4 years of my life. I would really like to get to know the people who follow my blog so ask/comment and get to know me too! I'm 19 and from London, studying French and Italian at Leeds University,Ask me anything Submit
stillsmilingandlaughing-deactiv asked: Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you beautiful.<3
And me of you. I loved your vid, hope you can stick to it. Nice bit of procrastination too xxx
expatintraining asked: Happy New Years Eve! Sending happy thoughts to you :)
And to you, hope you have an amazing night xxx
itjustlooksgood asked: everytime I see an owl somewhere I think of you. I reblogged a drawing of some owls...didn't know how to post it to you or something. Thinking of you xx
<3 miss you. love the pic.
If you click submit instead of ask then you can post images/messages/stories to me as opposed to questions
daring-to-dream asked: To the anon who wrote the inspiring thing about the Hannah you knew,
I couldn't have put it better myself! Also I feel the same, post in my ask box if you ever fancy a chat!
Hannah, I have run out of things to say. I have given you everything I have. I have spilled my mind to you in a hope that it would make a difference but it hasn't. I am afraid that I will lose you forever, please dont let that happen.
You say you dont want to be trapped in limbo forever, that you dont want to pretend you're ok all the time. I do not blame you but why chose pain over limbo, death over life? Recovery is possible & dont say that it isn't for you, that you are different to me, because you're not. I was stubborn too, I had nothing left to fight for, I was told I'd die from it. I didn't die though. I moulded a new life, a great life full of passion, excitment, love, honesty, friendship, fun, dreams, hopes and success. Yes some days it is boring, some days I wanna rip every ounce of flesh off my body; some days I want, more than anything, to give up, to die, to relapse, to 'do it properly' but that is only some days. Most days I'm happy, free & excited about the future. Most days my heart could explode from the love I feel for my friends and family. Most days I think to myself 'I like my life and I will succeed.' Most days I am grateful for the opportunity Ellern Mede gave me to turn my life around but more than anything I am so happy that I recovered: I have so much more now then I did before. Anorexia can give you nothing but death and misery. Life, however, can bring you so much... Joy, passion, success! In recovery you will take the first steps to flying. Every day you will touch the sky. Every day you will amaze yourself as you exceed, what you thought were, your limits. The little things will make you happy, the little achievements will make you proud. You will not believe that you're the same person you were before. You CAN get to that place! I will not, for one second, say that it will be easy - it wont. It will be a struggle. It will feel like there is no end. You will return to a life that has left you behind. You will feel forgotten, afraid and alone. Nonetheless, if you are determind, you will work through the pain and eventually you will see the light. Things will get easier as you build a new life as Hannah, not Hannah the anorexic, Hannah the person. And then one day you will stop and look around and you will realise that you are happy. You will not know quite how it happened - it just did whilst you were so busy getting on with life! You will identify with happiness as a real feeling, not the euphoric highs you feel when in the depths of an eating disorder. It will be calm and stable but it will feel good. You will feel safe and comfortable in your own skin. You will become a person again, not a robot.
I LOVE YOU <3
This is one of the most moving, beautiful messages I have ever read. It reminds me (as if I needed to be reminded!) how lucky I am to have you in my life. It means so much that you won’t give up on me because I have given up on myself…
I wish I could make you the promise you want, I wish I could promise to fight, to commit to change through rough and smooth. Emily I can’t do that, not at the moment. I’m reluctantly accepting the necessary weight gain here to “safety”. Beyond that I don’t see a future. But I PROMISE you, that I will never say that that means there is no future. I’m so so sorry, but the best I can offer you is an open-ended plan, no decisions or rules made in advance by Ana. I will not make them before because then you have to go through changing them and the shame. I will always listen. You are inspirational. I think I want what you have, it just seems too hard.
Anonymous asked: Hannah, I doubt what anyone writes or says to you will make any difference so I wasn't going to bother. But I've decided to write because even if I could remove you just a fraction of a percent from the evil grasp of anorexia then it will have been worthwhile.
The Hannah I knew was full of life, confident, amazing at languages, drama, english. It makes me so angry that anorexia has taken these things away from you. It's evil. It robs you of your life, doesn't want you to get better, hurts your friends and family. That's not you Hannah, that's anorexia. I think it's so important to separate yourself from this evil being. I'm sure you want to get better. Ana doesn't want you to. Fighting her will be the hardest thing you'll ever have to do. She, acting through you will feel angry, scared, full of rage for what those who love you do. She'll have tantrums, throw food, make you feel disgusted, revolted with yourself. That is what Ana does but you must try, no matter how hard it is to remind yourself that that is NOT you. Try and separate what you want and what anorexia wants. You and anorexia are not one and the same. Anorexia will trick you into believing that you can exist with her at your side. Kick her in the fucking face and show her that you don't want her in your life any more. Everyone's rooting for you yet few know how to help you extract yourself from anorexias clutches.
Coming on this blog has made me feel shit. Anorexia is telling me that I didn't achieve a low enough weight, I didn't suffer with her for long enough. That is sick, disgusting. It repulses me that these thoughts enter my head. I could easily go down that path but I've got a life, I love it and I want to carry on living. Existence, torment, and the prison which Ana confines you in don't appeal. You have two choices, to piss anorexia off and try with all your might to break down the bars she has put you in or carry on existing in Ana's mental hell. The latter not really being a choice, for you will be doing what anorexia want's you to do.
A friend of mine died recently. I feel sick when I think of her knowing she should be at Cambridge next year; she so wanted to live. She had incurable cancer. She never had the chance to fight. Anorexia is a cancer, it eats away at your mind and body, destroying the person inside and eventually killing what is left of you. If you had cancer tearing through your body surely you would want to kill it off, yet why don't we want to kill of our cancer.
I'm willing you to fight it. It's down to you, Hannah. Yell at anorexia to shut the fuck up. She's achieved what she wanted, now you can achieve and get your life back.
On a lighter note do you like the blog fatfree vegan kitchen... I'm sure you'll have come across it. I hope I'll see you on the other side x x x
This is really hard to read. Umm who is this?
I’m scared, I know you’re right. I think I do anyway.
I don’t know, what to think, what to say.
Please tell me who you are. Can I guess. Annie? That would make some sense. Hannah? I wonder who the Hannah you knew was?
I need to soak this in. So I’ll go for the lighter note, yeah i love that blog! and VegNews/VegCafé? choosingraw? rainforestgurl? eliottburdett?xxx
the idea is to blog this and shame myself into not carrying on because of it’s stupidity and pointlessness and self-defeating nature